Honesty

Idon't really know how to begin. "From the beginning" would be too detailed, and jumping right in would leave readers at a loss for understanding; the truth is, I'm confused myself. Most likely, this will run in circles and not make much sense, but I guess I can't apologize for my own thoughts.

I guess I don't understand a lot of things in my life right now. I'm confused about love, about school, about my relationship with God, and I guess just life in general. I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I want to be, and where I'm going. It's hard though, because everytime I look up at the sky, I lose my footing, and when I think I've found a path, it starts raining on me, and I get lost again.

I'm not sure I want to be me. I guess that sounds like some totally cliché, stupid thing that people say when they look at other people and are jealous, but it's not really that. It's that I don't know who I am, and I'm not sure I like what I know of my current self, my past self, and where I see myself heading.

I'm really at a loss. I'm trying to figure out Christianity. I'm not sure where I stand. So much of "the church" bothers me. I guess I can't really say it's God that I have any problem with, although if I'm really honest, maybe it is? At any rate, what bothers me is the church's lack of acceptance for people. So much condemnation, and it hurts me. My friend at work told me something that broke my heart - "When I started questioning church and Christianity, all those Christians started ignoring me and I never felt like I was accepted, and that it was ok for me to have questions. They just pushed me away." Or like another work friend told me, "At the Christmas party, all the church people totally ignored us. They said goodbye to Ruben and Brian who were standing right next to us, and then just walked away."

It's just hard for me because I don't find acceptance from a lot of Christians either. I absolutely hate that, "Holier than thou" prideful Christian attitude. And I hate that I feel like they look at me as an immoral, immodest, terrible girl who is totally walking away from God. Maybe I am terrible. Maybe that desire in me to break out of the traditional Christian mold is terrible, maybe I really am as bad as they seem to think I am just because I've "wondered."

I finally told my mom that I want a break from church for a while. I was so surprised by her reaction - she said, "ok. It's time that you make some decisions on your own. I know God is big enough to convince you of His love, so that's ok." I guess it was a big relief to hear that; I've been so afraid of what she'd say when I finally was honest with her - I've felt this way for a few months now. I suppose I was expecting some huge fight or tears to come running down her face, but instead she just hugged me and said it was ok.

I'm naturally a people-pleaser. I have been my whole life, probably coming from feeling like I had to balance myself between my parent's divorce. I guess that's why no one has known how I've felt for months and months now. I'd go to church every week, feeling like a weight was upon me. It bores me, and I dreaded going. But I kept on, because I was afraid of what my mom, my brother, my sister, my brother-in-law, my pastor and his wife, would all think. So I kept on pretending.

Hypocrit. Charlatan.

I know, I never thought I'd be the one I hated. In the middle of hating every other "love others at all times" Christian hypocrits, I became a hypocrit in the opposite direction - I accept all, and fake my heart when I go to church. I guess it's just time everyone knew that I'm trying to figure things out now. I'm taking a break from church, and I'm being honest with my family, my friends, and most of all, God.

The thing is that I know I really do want to be a strong Christian someday. I know that is where true happiness lies. I want to still go to my Christian college and be in that safe environment, and I, more than anything, want to eventually end up with some guy that will challenge my faith. But right now, I don't have my own faith. I have my family's faith, my family's idea; I'm living my family's mold. This is the time I'm going to make it my own - but first, I'm going to be honest with God that I'm not sure that I know what I want - from Him, or from our relationship; I'm not sure how much I'm ready to commit.

I guess I'll probably hear from a lot of people, "I'm praying for you," and my response to that is, "thank you." But if anyone has any disparaging, disappointed thoughts towards me, please keep them to yourself.