On a Happier Note... Redirection:)

I was so excited when I was accepted at Master's. I was crestfallen when I learned I was getting no financial aid. I was apathetic when I learned maybe I could still go there.

And now I've just decided not to.

As some of you might know, during last summer, I was seriously considering CalPoly. But, my mom didn't really like the idea of my going to a non-private college, and so the idea eventually wore off. *It has returned* :) However, it's too late to get into CalPoly, even if my grades and SATs are good enough. So, as a way to make my way in through the back door, I'm going to be enrolling in Cuesta Community College this Fall Quarter, and living with an as yet unknown roommate. In this beautiful way, I will be...

a) living at the beach
b) saving money at a community college
c) living on my own in an apartment
d) sneaking into CalPoly after two years
e) did I say living at the beach?:)

I'm super excited about this new direction. I really can't wait to leave actually. I'm ready to leave, as what a customer at Starbucks called it yesterday, The Black-Hole that I currently live in:) Definitely.

Yes, definitely... :)

Honesty

Idon't really know how to begin. "From the beginning" would be too detailed, and jumping right in would leave readers at a loss for understanding; the truth is, I'm confused myself. Most likely, this will run in circles and not make much sense, but I guess I can't apologize for my own thoughts.

I guess I don't understand a lot of things in my life right now. I'm confused about love, about school, about my relationship with God, and I guess just life in general. I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I want to be, and where I'm going. It's hard though, because everytime I look up at the sky, I lose my footing, and when I think I've found a path, it starts raining on me, and I get lost again.

I'm not sure I want to be me. I guess that sounds like some totally cliché, stupid thing that people say when they look at other people and are jealous, but it's not really that. It's that I don't know who I am, and I'm not sure I like what I know of my current self, my past self, and where I see myself heading.

I'm really at a loss. I'm trying to figure out Christianity. I'm not sure where I stand. So much of "the church" bothers me. I guess I can't really say it's God that I have any problem with, although if I'm really honest, maybe it is? At any rate, what bothers me is the church's lack of acceptance for people. So much condemnation, and it hurts me. My friend at work told me something that broke my heart - "When I started questioning church and Christianity, all those Christians started ignoring me and I never felt like I was accepted, and that it was ok for me to have questions. They just pushed me away." Or like another work friend told me, "At the Christmas party, all the church people totally ignored us. They said goodbye to Ruben and Brian who were standing right next to us, and then just walked away."

It's just hard for me because I don't find acceptance from a lot of Christians either. I absolutely hate that, "Holier than thou" prideful Christian attitude. And I hate that I feel like they look at me as an immoral, immodest, terrible girl who is totally walking away from God. Maybe I am terrible. Maybe that desire in me to break out of the traditional Christian mold is terrible, maybe I really am as bad as they seem to think I am just because I've "wondered."

I finally told my mom that I want a break from church for a while. I was so surprised by her reaction - she said, "ok. It's time that you make some decisions on your own. I know God is big enough to convince you of His love, so that's ok." I guess it was a big relief to hear that; I've been so afraid of what she'd say when I finally was honest with her - I've felt this way for a few months now. I suppose I was expecting some huge fight or tears to come running down her face, but instead she just hugged me and said it was ok.

I'm naturally a people-pleaser. I have been my whole life, probably coming from feeling like I had to balance myself between my parent's divorce. I guess that's why no one has known how I've felt for months and months now. I'd go to church every week, feeling like a weight was upon me. It bores me, and I dreaded going. But I kept on, because I was afraid of what my mom, my brother, my sister, my brother-in-law, my pastor and his wife, would all think. So I kept on pretending.

Hypocrit. Charlatan.

I know, I never thought I'd be the one I hated. In the middle of hating every other "love others at all times" Christian hypocrits, I became a hypocrit in the opposite direction - I accept all, and fake my heart when I go to church. I guess it's just time everyone knew that I'm trying to figure things out now. I'm taking a break from church, and I'm being honest with my family, my friends, and most of all, God.

The thing is that I know I really do want to be a strong Christian someday. I know that is where true happiness lies. I want to still go to my Christian college and be in that safe environment, and I, more than anything, want to eventually end up with some guy that will challenge my faith. But right now, I don't have my own faith. I have my family's faith, my family's idea; I'm living my family's mold. This is the time I'm going to make it my own - but first, I'm going to be honest with God that I'm not sure that I know what I want - from Him, or from our relationship; I'm not sure how much I'm ready to commit.

I guess I'll probably hear from a lot of people, "I'm praying for you," and my response to that is, "thank you." But if anyone has any disparaging, disappointed thoughts towards me, please keep them to yourself.

A Request

I've been getting some comments lately from anonymous users. While I don't mind that random people are reading my blog, it would be nice to have names signed. I could just have the option of comment settings to only allow registered users, forcing everyone to leave their name, but I realize that some people don't have accounts. So I'm just requesting that, if you leave a comment and you don't have an account and/or aren't signed in, please leave your name, even if you think I won't know you. It will just help me feel better about my comments, as it is kind of scary not knowing who all these "anonymous" people are.

Thanks. : )

A Pick Me Up

There's nothing like friends to remind you of the simple pleasures in life... such as staying up late, creating silly movies, and just plain old laughing. A few weeks ago, one of my best friends spent the night for the first time in... well, probably a few years. Here are some pictures of that night. Don't be shocked by how strange we might seem... :]

Rainy Day

It's been one of those days. One of those days when your alarm doesn't go off, you receive bad news, you're late and not looking your best, and you just can't seem to do the task at hand. Somehow, your jubilant attitude from the night before has turned-tail and fled, leaving you with an even more toxic feeling of dread and loneliness at the day at hand.

I woke up this morning 15 minutes prior to the bell ringing at school. Since it takes me 15 minutes to drive to school, any chance for a shower, or even a comb through my hair, looked grim. In the five minutes it took me to get dressed and put in my contacts, I happened to ask my mom how things were going at Master's and she let me know things weren't looking good for financial aid; to me, that translated into a major letdown - how am I going to pay?

I walked out into the pouring rain and decided my mood didn't feel much brighter. I made it to school, somehow only five minutes late, and not recorded tardy as our teacher was M.I.A. This seems to be the only bright star of my day. However, walking across the wet, grassy field three times was not a present help, and the thin sweatshirt I'd put over my shirt this morning didn't keep me very insulated.

I made it through Economics and started math class, only to remember the incredible score I'd received on my last math test- 40%. I've been working on this objective for several weeks now, and somehow I just can't learn it, can't get past it. So it began. Someone asked me some stupid question, and somehow I just started getting tears in my eyes. I put my hood on to cover my shame, and hide my face, but somehow there is always at least one person who tries to make you feel better by giving you a hug; this hug usually results in a full-out burst in the raincloud, and I was no different today. My embarassment didn't help the situation either. My teacher came over to me and gave me a hug, and then sat down in front of my desk and asked me if there was anything she could help me with, to which I replied, "No," and began pouring out my woes of college, and how I just couldn't do math anymore. Of course, I was probably making my math problem more dramatic than it was, but she just said to forget about math for now, and to go ahead and take a break to go to the bathroom and get some fresh air.

When I returned, everyone made it their personal goal to make me smile; Brandon most of all had this objective in mind. It worked somewhat, but the feeling of everyone watching you when you know you look and feel terrible somehow doesn't help. However, making it through that class, I then decided to go home on my break and take a nap (which I will be doing shortly.)

When I walked in the door and didn't feel like saying hello, my mom asked me why I was "in such a grumpy mood." Of course my suppressed tears decided to make an appearance again, and I started, for lack of a better word, whining about how I wasn't going to be able to go to college and how it just isn't fair (which, I must admit, is still my opinion on fairness.)

It really is one of those days when I just want to crawl up in the fetal position and give up; body, mind, and soul at peace, I just don't feel as if I can make it up this upward climb any longer. I'm struggling with doubts as to why God would allow me to be accepted into and excited about the one college I really wanted to go to, when apparently He has other plans. Do I apply to CalPoly as I was planning on doing originally? Do I go to a community college far away? I'm so disappointed; my plans and hopes wash away with the mire as the rain comes, and I feel like all the stable footing I had is being pulled away with it. Where do I go now? What do I do? All the direction I thought I had is lost; I am unsure and forgotten.

So, I must apologize for this downer of a post. My original intents on creating a blog never included feeling sorry for myself, but I suppose honesty is always the best policy? Of that I am not sure, either, in this case. At any rate, please excuse the lament.

A Fresh Perspective

Since I had something to say, I thought I'd join the crowd of bloggers and create my own. :]

Well. Lately I've been a little ashamed... Kind of disappointed in myself. However, I really thank God for the people that He's blessed me with in my life to show me what ways my life has gone astray from His plans for me, and the messups I'm making. The main thing I miss about who I am- about who I want to be- is a close walk with God... I know I am pretty upbeat and positive for the most part. But when I get with my close friends and family I think I forget that mindset and become very selfish. Also, I am not so careful with my speech as I have been and some of my actions are completely unacceptable. I dont know why I feel like I have to post a blog about this other than the fact that I want someone to know that I'm desiring change, for the better, to the most of what I can be and what God has for me. I want to be positive, modest, kind, loving, and responsible. I miss being really in love with God. I miss going to a youth group. I miss being connected to people who have a bit of spiritual guidance for my soul. I want to be the kind of person that people respect and admire. I want to be humble but encouraging. I want to be a good friend, daughter and girlfriend. I want Jesus' love to shine through me.. in everything I do. Going along with the thought of something my friend Stephanie's sister said to me last week when I got to go to college group at Calvary Chapel, I don't want to just be a good person anymore. I don't want to regret my years of high school and think, "Why didn't I use that time to truly live for God with all of my heart?" All of my heart. Occasionally I see a glimpse of what I used to have, and it saddens me that I don't anymore. I want to have love for people. True, agape love. I want to know that everything will follow after that; I want to focus my heart on others and look to the heavens rather than at myself. I want to be like a waterfall, constantly pouring out and taking in; not a pond that only ever receives (me, me, me!) and smells and looks dirty by the end of Summer. I want a clean, fresh perspective. I want to say, "God bless you, I'm praying for you," and mean it. I want to be genuine. I want hope, and I want love. Jesus, I need you.