Rainy Day

It's been one of those days. One of those days when your alarm doesn't go off, you receive bad news, you're late and not looking your best, and you just can't seem to do the task at hand. Somehow, your jubilant attitude from the night before has turned-tail and fled, leaving you with an even more toxic feeling of dread and loneliness at the day at hand.

I woke up this morning 15 minutes prior to the bell ringing at school. Since it takes me 15 minutes to drive to school, any chance for a shower, or even a comb through my hair, looked grim. In the five minutes it took me to get dressed and put in my contacts, I happened to ask my mom how things were going at Master's and she let me know things weren't looking good for financial aid; to me, that translated into a major letdown - how am I going to pay?

I walked out into the pouring rain and decided my mood didn't feel much brighter. I made it to school, somehow only five minutes late, and not recorded tardy as our teacher was M.I.A. This seems to be the only bright star of my day. However, walking across the wet, grassy field three times was not a present help, and the thin sweatshirt I'd put over my shirt this morning didn't keep me very insulated.

I made it through Economics and started math class, only to remember the incredible score I'd received on my last math test- 40%. I've been working on this objective for several weeks now, and somehow I just can't learn it, can't get past it. So it began. Someone asked me some stupid question, and somehow I just started getting tears in my eyes. I put my hood on to cover my shame, and hide my face, but somehow there is always at least one person who tries to make you feel better by giving you a hug; this hug usually results in a full-out burst in the raincloud, and I was no different today. My embarassment didn't help the situation either. My teacher came over to me and gave me a hug, and then sat down in front of my desk and asked me if there was anything she could help me with, to which I replied, "No," and began pouring out my woes of college, and how I just couldn't do math anymore. Of course, I was probably making my math problem more dramatic than it was, but she just said to forget about math for now, and to go ahead and take a break to go to the bathroom and get some fresh air.

When I returned, everyone made it their personal goal to make me smile; Brandon most of all had this objective in mind. It worked somewhat, but the feeling of everyone watching you when you know you look and feel terrible somehow doesn't help. However, making it through that class, I then decided to go home on my break and take a nap (which I will be doing shortly.)

When I walked in the door and didn't feel like saying hello, my mom asked me why I was "in such a grumpy mood." Of course my suppressed tears decided to make an appearance again, and I started, for lack of a better word, whining about how I wasn't going to be able to go to college and how it just isn't fair (which, I must admit, is still my opinion on fairness.)

It really is one of those days when I just want to crawl up in the fetal position and give up; body, mind, and soul at peace, I just don't feel as if I can make it up this upward climb any longer. I'm struggling with doubts as to why God would allow me to be accepted into and excited about the one college I really wanted to go to, when apparently He has other plans. Do I apply to CalPoly as I was planning on doing originally? Do I go to a community college far away? I'm so disappointed; my plans and hopes wash away with the mire as the rain comes, and I feel like all the stable footing I had is being pulled away with it. Where do I go now? What do I do? All the direction I thought I had is lost; I am unsure and forgotten.

So, I must apologize for this downer of a post. My original intents on creating a blog never included feeling sorry for myself, but I suppose honesty is always the best policy? Of that I am not sure, either, in this case. At any rate, please excuse the lament.